Evolution, you're needed in aisle "Human"...

I've worked in coffee shops for going on 4 years. I mention this because coffee shops are great cultural cross-sections. People arrive in their various cliques, or meet potential romances, or geek out on their Macs after desperately searching for an outlet. But coffee shops are also a zoo of humanity; most people are weird - you probably are too. But there are highly specific, species-like classes of weird people. What follows are three Y2K-era words for some really, really odd people that make me wonder about the shallowness of the gene pool.

"Bicyclones" (noun) - There has to be a word for these upper-class, pedal-powered warriors who come clacking into coffee shop on their bike cleats, decked out in a matching helmet-jersey-spandex shorts ensemble. I have no doubt that in 10 years, this phenomenon will be looked back on much the way fondue and hyper color T-shirts are now. Bicyclones are known to travel in herds of 4 to 20 and appear to be sponsored by companies like Ben and Jerry's ice cream, or Nature Valley granola bars. But these jerseys - as well as the cleats and shorts, which are nauseously revealing when suctioned onto 60-year-old men, can be purchased at any bicycle shop for around $200.

"Cheekers" (noun) - This is the term I've coined for the counter-culture fashion phenomenon in which young men cinch their baggy jeans precariously around their lower hips, about mid-cheek. I have no clue how these pants remain adrift just above indecent exposure, but they do, and as far as I know, they are simply referred to as baggy jeans. One would think that the older generations would have coined some derogatory name for this youthful display, but it's possible many don't notice as the wearer of "cheekers" usually garbs himself in a baggy button-up emblazoned with a dragon or some image of Al Pacino from "Scarface."

"Tagnant" (adj) - This for Mr. Body Spray - you smell. Where once a shower and a little aftershave were the accepted means of deodorizing and freshening oneself, Tag and Axe body sprays have pushed to consolidate the processes into one quick spritzing. When a tagnant customer walks by, their presence is declared punch in the chops and usually lingers for the better part of an hour. While overuse of cologne and and perfume are just as offensive, only tagnance implies an air of uncleanliness, again because body spraying is supplanting bathing as a pre-social activity.

Honorable mentions:

Triple-shot-half-the-chocolate-skim-sugar-free-hazelenut-

mocha-and-can-you-tell-me-how-many-carbs-are-in-your-apple-fritters-single-
bachelorette. Honestly, can I interest you in a glass of water and a brisk jog, perhaps?

Patchouli, dread locks, and B.O. guy. Allow me to introduce you to my friend Tagnant-Joe. I think you two will get along great!

No-Tip Dick - Maybe your name is Roger or Susan. But for some reason, people have chosen to make the word "dick" a common name. If you ask me, it's ridiculous to pretend it means anything other than a flaccid penis, but if you insist on choosing that instead of Richard, Rich, Rick, or Susan, be my guest... Dick. But please, pull that corkscrew out of your ass and find it in your Yuletide spirit to drop that 13 cents into the tip jar, pretty please.